Friday, April 16, 2004
*sniff* The Things Friends Will Do to Cheer You Up
LITTLE BO SPAWN or WHERE O' WHERE HAVE MY WOOLIES ALL GONE
by (in no particular order)
Dani, Professor, Blushes, BluDreamscape, Emyster, Buttercup, & Aeryk
Disclaimer: While this story reads something like a fairy tale, it is in no way appropriate for anyone under the age of 18. Likewise, this story is pretty much offensive to everyone, so if you can't read it with an open mind, and a sense of humor you should go elsewhere. Whatever you do, don't take this story seriously, the authors sure didn't!
Dedication: This one's for the bendy girl. You know who you are. We love ya and want you back in full harassment mode ASAP!!
The day breaks across the wooded hills and scares the hell out of the sheep. Stupid sheep forgot this happens every day. They are about to be surprised by the grass under their feet too.
Nearby, under a rock, Spawn is deep in a drooling, snorting, lust soaked sleep. Panicked bleats drag her out of her smut filled dreams into her smut filled conscious self.
"Fuck! Who's fucking with my fucking sheep? I'll kill the fucktard. Twice!"
Spawn is not a nice girl. In fact she's only a girl because of her "indoor plumbing" if you know what I mean. And nice? Not in a million years. Not even with a full lobotomy and in an industrial strength straightjacket.
But the girl does love her sheep. I mean she REALLY loves her sheep. The sheep had to form a support group to deal with her love, as a matter of fact.
The sheep remember Spawn. They are surprised every five minutes that they have wool but they will never, ever, forget Spawn.
Roaring across the meadow, Spawn bursts on to the scene to find the sheep blissfully grazing on newly discovered grass. Though they do tremble a little, a natural reaction to Spawn, it is obvious that all is right in their sheepy little world.
"Not again! Stupid sheep! Every fuckin' morning we do this – you dumb little mutton wannabes," snarls Spawn as she stomps over to her favorite sheep watchin' tree to park her hairy ass and start a long day of sheep herdin', crotch scratchin' (some of the sheep have fleas) and doing pelvic thrusts in preparation for the day sheep shaggin' becomes an Olympic sport.
Not one to limit her potential, Spawn believes in keeping abreast of all the tools of the trade -- and has made the Guinness Book of World Records twice, once for most battery consumption in a single day, and once for the Battering Ram speed and stamina record (68 door shattering strokes per minute.)
Today is a special day for Spawn -- she's expecting a little bundle of joy to arrive, in a plain brown wrapper. Today's the day her ACME Prehensile Penis with Ergonomic Joystick Controls will come, so to speak.
To pass the time, Spawn settles in for her usual breakfast of fried cat on toast -- bitchin' and moanin' about getting fur stuck in her teeth.
Spawn looks up when hearing a truck pull into the driveway. Through the cloud of dust from the spinning wheels she sees the UPS truck her cousin drives. She watches as the door slides open and her cousin Nancy hops out with a large box in her hands. Nancy, used to such deliveries, brings the package that was bigger than a breadbox over while smirking and holding back a giggle.
Spawn looks up with a grin, knowing what's inside the seemingly innocent brown paper box. Her cousin sits down at the table while Spawn ogles the package, barely able to contain her glee. Silence reigns, as Spawn can't think of any to say while she's mesmerized by the horny thoughts running rampant through her head.
"So, what's in the box?" Asks Nancy, knowing full well what kind of things were often in these boxes addressed to her cousin.
"Um, just a surprise for my little woolly boollys." She answers while running her hands along the length of the box.
"Are you going to open that thing or what?" Nancy prods, even though she isn't sure that she even wants to know, but her curiosity is getting the best of her. But then again, curiosity killed the cat. She pauses, looks at her cat-covered toast, and puts it down. That's enough to kill her appetite.
Spawn needs no further encouragement, and tears into the package like a hungry animal after its last meal. What emerges from the brown paper is a heavily illustrated box. Nancy catches one of the pictures out of the corner of her eye, and runs. There are just some things that you never want to know about your family.
With squealing tires and a cloud of dust her voice drifts through the air as she screams, "I'm calling PETA!!!"
Faster than humanly possible, Spawn sheds her clothes like Wonder Woman. She can't wait to don her new appendage. Always the prepared one, she straps on her backpack carrying a Diehard car battery and connects it to the base of her new toy. She knows no regular battery would give her the amount of power she's after.
With a flick of a switch, her ACME friend roars to life. After she finds her balance through all the vibrations, she lets out a whoop of joy. This is it. She is going to get to test out the equipment she had previously only admired through the windows at Wanda's Pleasure Palace.
Spawn then staggers menacingly towards the herd while whistling "Bah Bah Black Sheep". As she gets closer, the heads of all the little sheepies look up in fear. They've heard this song before; it can only mean one thing. It's time to run like hell.
Luckily though, the sheep have planned ahead and are prepared. They have dug a hole and covered it with leaves, and now all that they have to do is lure Spawn towards their trap. They had been thinking ahead and were using the petite sheep, Beth, as bait. Surely the Wicked Woman couldn't resist such a tempting target.
Spawn, true to her nature, spots Beth frozen in terror, and charges right into the trap. Without looking back, the sheep make a break for it all screaming, "FREEDOM!!!"
"I cannot believe those goddamn motherfucking sheep did this to me!" Spawn yelled at the top of her lungs. "You just wait until I get out of here. You all are so gonna pay."
When Spawn finally stops cursing her furry friends, some ten minutes later, she finally takes in her surroundings. "I would like to know how my furry, dimwitted fuck buddies, who happen to have no fuckin' thumbs, managed to dig a hole this deep and smooth, with no noticeable fucking handholds for me to use to climb out!" As Spawn continues to speak her voice gets higher and higher until she is screaming again. "God, I'm gonna kill them…no, no killing is too good for them…. I'm going to fuck them to death, yeah that's what I'll do! They think things were bad before…." Her voice tapers off, as she loses herself in the thoughts of all the nasty, dirty, disgusting things she was going to do to her favorite playmates once she got out of her predicament.
As she is wallowing in her pleasant thoughts of lust and revenge, Spawn notices that her new toy isn't vibrating anymore. "What the fuck?" She pulls off her backpack and opens it. When she looks inside she notices her battery pack is busted. "Great just great another one bites the dust, but at least this time I can say truthfully it wasn't my fault." She laughs as she thinks of the look that her cousin was going to give her when she has to deliver another one of those heavy-duty batteries. Then she looks down and notices that her new toy is hanging down to her knees. The shaft has broken in half and it was hanging on for dear life by its wires.
"Nnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Spawn screams. A scream that is heard for miles away and sends little kids scurrying back into their houses to hide from the boogey man, and their parents to check their guns and make sure they are loaded.
"Must get out of here…kill sheep…" Spawn mumbles to her self repeatedly.
She starts climbing. She isn't aware of how long it takes, but she finally reaches the top of the hole…and promptly slides back down to the bottom. Instead of getting mad, for she had vengeance on her side, she attacks the climb once again. As she gets to the top this time, she takes her time and slowly pulls herself out.
Lying on the grass trying to catch her breath she doesn't notice the bloody state of her hands or the numerous scratches covering her body. She looks like an avenging angel, or maybe demented devil, as she slowly stands up and screams," Here sheepy, sheepy. Come to maaaaamaaaaa."
Oh no. The sheep were not about to fall for that little trap again. They've heard it all before and know exactly what's in store for them now that their plot to rid themselves of Spawn has failed.
However, despite their inherent stupidity, there are some sheep in the world who are actually so stupid they're bloody geniuses. One said sheep, named Bahram Yew, stood on a small hill as his herd flocks to him amidst the thundering of many hooves and panicked bleating.
Bahram Yew is, quite literally, the black sheep of the herd. But his wool isn't the only thing that's black. Underneath it all is a heart as black and as maniacal as writers of such movies as Glitter and Gigli. He also has a disturbing habit of giggling at odd moments.
"So the woman, such as she is, has managed to escape the Pit of Despair has she?" Bahram Yew narrows his beady eyes. "Very well. Let us off into the forest. You," He motions to a trembling group of females. "I need your pheromones to work overtime and do what you can to attract Spawn. If I know the wench, she can't resist a good ewe in heat."
Without another word, Bahram Yew bolts off with the rest of the herd (leaving the females to do their duty), until they reach a dark, dense area of the forest. "Alright, here's the plan." Bahram Yew huddles the herd together. "I like to call this 'Operation 3 Sacks of Wool.' "
There is the sudden sound of a baying wolf and the herd is about to bolt when Bahram Yew assures them that the wolves are part of his plan. "Now, once Spawn gets here I'll need you all to lure here over to that big tree over there. That's when I'll spring my trap on her."
Bahram Yew was more than worried about the success of his plan. He loved his fellow sheep, but they were a bit on the dense side. It was difficult being an evil genius with no one around to appreciate it. However, he had to accept their blank smiles and nods as a sign that they understood what they were to do before Bahram Yew trotted off to ready the trap.
Spawn, filthy, bloody, and looking quite ridiculous with a massive broken strap-on, trudges up the hill then sniffs the air. A horrible grin forms on Spawn's retched face. She knows that smell. She loves that smell. Something stirs inside. "Well, well. It looks like a few of my ladies are in heat. Excellent. I'll have a little more fun with them after I'm finished with the others."
Spawn's eyes narrow. She knows who has been behind this from the start. "Bahram Yew." She nearly spits out the name. That blasted sheep has given her no end of trouble. Countless times that sheep has managed to "disappear" whenever she was around for a little fun. Well, she would make damn sure he wouldn't be so lucky this time. Oh no. Not this time!
Spawn follows the scent of the sheep until she hears a familiar bleat. "There they are," She whispers as she crouches low behind a tree. She watches them a moment, scanning the herd for that infuriating black one. "Damn it. Not here." Spawn figured as much, but one could always hope.
A second later, Spawn leaps out from behind the tree and screams, "Ah-hah! I've got you now my pretties!" She cackles madly as the sheep panic and run around like pool balls at the opening break in one mindless horde. "Don't tire yourselves out just yet! Mama has plans for the lot of you"
The herd bolts off, bleating for help, with Spawn not too far behind. "Baa Baa black sheep…!" she begins to sing evilly, inserting a few evil cackles here and there simply for dramatic purposes when suddenly! "What the f-…?" her curses are silenced as Spawn is launched into the sky and doused with a tidal wave of honey and bits of sheep's wool. "Gack! What the hell!?"
Bahram Yew chortles as he appears from the midst of his herd and looks up at Spawn dangling by her feet from a rope. "We meet again, Spawn."
"You!" Spawn scowls. "I should have known."
"Yes, you should have. Now quake with fear you little fool!" Bahram Yew grins evilly. "Pay back's a bitch and so are you!" Despite the normal natural order, Bahram Yew whistles and a group of wolves strut out.
Now, by wolves, I don't mean the animals. No no. I mean very fat, very bald, and very hairy men with a habit of eating greasy chicken and bar-b-que ribs; and then clean themselves by licking their fingers or rubbing themselves down with a single wetnap.
They all whistle at the spectacle before them. By the look in their eyes one can instantly tell that they haven't had sex… ever… and are quite frustrated about that fact. "Delivered, just as I promised gentlemen." Bahram Yew states. "Now enjoy yourselves. My herd and I are off to take over the world. Ta!" He cackles as he walks off in triumph.
Spawn takes in the situation from her somewhat precarious position. The advancing Deliverance specimens don't look anymore appealing upside down than they would right side up. And for a moment, as the blood rushes from where it's usually stored to her brain, and the wool begins to itch and the honey begins to harden, Spawn begins to despair. She forgets, for just a moment, that she is Spawn, defiler of all things fluffy, all things furry! And quick as a one of those cute little bunny rabbits she's so fond of, she's rewired the strap on and the battery, turning her entire body into an open circuit using the honey as a conductor. Because while there wasn't enough juice to facilitate the vibration there was still enough for electrical mayhem.
After turning herself into a bug zapper for those less fortunate in the gene pool, she takes in the Kentucky Fried corpses. "Definitely not finger licking good." she mutters. Laughing maniacally at her own genius, she uses the momentum from the electrical currents to get a good swing going until she can land on the branch from which the rope dangles. Quickly freeing her feet from their imprisonment, she hops from her perch. Bouncing a couple of times on the balls of her feet to settle her new body adornments she decides against a bath, what better symbol of her utter dominance of the sheep than wearing a pelt of sorts? She will conquer Bahram Yew wearing the skin of his people, the skin he so kindly outfitted her in.
Like the sheep they are, so confident in her demise, they didn't bother to cover the trail of their retreat. Spawn had no trouble what so ever in picking it up. Being at most only 40 minutes behind them, not a mile after picking up their trail she comes upon them lounging around a stream. Stalking slowly closer, Spawn hides in the brush ringing the lazy, wooly balls with feet. Bahram Yew sits apart from the rest of the flock, surveying them with the indolent stare of those who are confident of their superior intelligence.
Circling ever closer, Spawn comes to a halt directly behind the unsuspecting ringleader. So close that she can smell the damp wool. Savoring the moment before her triumph, she chuckles evilly to herself. Then, quicker than most eyes can see, she takes Bahram, dragging him away from is ever unobservant underlings. She finds a hidden spot far enough away that any noise her revenge might cause wouldn't alert any lurking sheep to the rescue. Not that she couldn't take them, she just wanted to focus her entire energy into her redemption.
Feeling around in the subdued Bahram's wool she finds a roll of duct tape. After carefully duct taping him to a tree for safe keeping she takes in the rather sad state of her strap on. Limp, dangling slightly to the left, covered in honey and still sparking intermittently from the rewiring, it was enough to break any sexual deviant's heart.
Carefully using the rest of the duct tape, Spawn resurrects the strap on to almost new. Staring quite diabolically at the captive sheep's back she says "Well, ain't that a pretty site. I don't have the vibration anymore, but I can do some manual hip shaking to liven it up for you!" Stalking closer to the prone sheep she sidles up until she is flush with Bahram's back. "I just want you to know, you're just the first. I'm going to wear each and every sheep in this damned flock out" she hisses in his ear. In an uncharacteristically gentle move, she maneuvers her hips into position. A sinister smile graces her face as she pushes forward.
Only to be stopped in her tracks before the movement could be completed.
A large hairy hand had grasped on to her dirty, smelly, honey coated collar, It owners long shaggy arm yanked forward, pulling the wayward lass firmly Backward into a very furry embrace, while the stench of unwashed, blood coated hands and foul toxic breath filled her nostrils as something yelled direct into her right ear.
"Oh my sweet honey covered cuddle bunny, at long last I have found you again, My beloved Spawnie, you have even got out the honey ready for me, oh you Know what honey and dirt does to my appetite."
Our so called wayward lass meanwhile is trembling in her boots, as she attempts to Get away, but alas to no avail, the hairy apparition has a firm grip and being well over six foot a decided height advantage too.
Meanwhile, back at the tree, Bahram has come to and watches in amazement, as his mortal enemy and hated shepherdess is manhandled and shaken like a rag doll.
A big grin graces his snout (ok not only does he have a black heart but an odd black face too). Ah he thinks, freedom! Peace! We are rescued!
"Come, come my fellow sheep, come watch our revenge take shape" he bleats to his flock of terrified cohorts. Petrified or not, they cannot resist the call of their leader (well they are sheep after all).
Forward they march until they reach the glen and spy the scene below.
"Mew, mew" one cries (ok, she has a cat obsession)
"Moo, moo" another joins in (yep you guessed it, a cow complex)
The entire flock stands and looks on in awe.
There trembles their arch enemy Spawn, held firmly in the loving embrace of an even scarier woman thing, the one and only undisputed evil incarnate know as Peta, or To us mere mortals, Ze Despoiler of Masses and Sheep Shagger Extraordinaire.
Her theme and deeds are legend, they have even made a marching song in her honor:
Shag, shag sheepies, grab onto their wool. Thrusty thrusty, fill 'em all full. (well you get the idea)
Suddenly a terrifying thought hits the black hearted Bahram, "Oh, shit!" (yeah, he did that too).
PETA, Peta what else can he recall about that evil name.
Oh no, no it cannot be
Not her, Not that,
(he kind of has another accident here, the thoughts are coming in too thick and too fast for his sheepy little brain and his bowels take over on gut instinct again)
NOT the sheep shagging murderer known as the Butcher Who Loves Her Prey to Death, literally.
A staggering, horrifying unbidden thought hits his befuddled mind,
"Maybe Spawn was not as bad after all."
Finally realizing the hopelessness of his situation, Bahram Yew runs bleating back into the forest. His stunned herd watches his fleeing black behind in bewilderment. And then discover the grass and forget they ever knew him in the first place.
Back at the ultimate death match/mating ritual, Spawn has managed to break free and spin to face Ze Despoiler.
Their eyes meet, and a spark of recognition flies between them.
"Spawnie? Spawn Muffin? My one true love, is that you?"
Once more they meet in a fierce embrace, and oddly enough, although the intent is now entirely different, it looks pretty much like it did the first time around. Soon the two, er... um... women, are rolling around in the mud, liberally surrounded by a sticky woolly cloud. But, instead of shrieks of rage, peals of laughter now terrify the surrounding wildlife.
Peta and Spawn, had met once before at a National Bestiality Bonanza, and fallen madly in love. Unfortunately, due to the massive amount of lust and tequila in their systems, they had failed to learn anything about the other except their first name. And frankly, considering they were going at it on the convention room floor, it's a wonder they even exchanged that much information.
After the Bonanza had shipped their drunken and exhausted asses back home via mule train, Spawn and Peta had each moved on in a haze of despair and loneliness, finding their only reason in life in the remote solitude of sheep farming and focusing on sharpening their sheep shagging skills in the hopes that some day word of their reputation would spread far enough to lead their missing half back to them.
Joy and happiness reigns now in Spawn's little valley, where the newly married couple have settled down to a wonderfully bawdy life, and have discovered with wonder and great joy how much more fun sharing sheep can be.
As for the sheep, well they still quake at their mistresses' voices, but on the whole it's not such a bad life. They are settled happily in the pens marked Hers and Hers, and die peacefully in their old age, instead of becoming lamb chops in their youth.
posted by Tamara - 7:39 AM -- Link to this entry
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