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Tamara's Flooby Web Log

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

More Rambling

Yet another rant that came to life as a ramble for Beyond Uber.

How many of you watch those home improvement shows? You know, like Trading Spaces or While You Were Out. They're pretty fun to watch and my mom is addicted to them. But the thing I wonder about while watching is how the heck do they stay so clean?

We've been living in our current house for less than a year. When we purchased it there was a lot that needed to be done and, being poor and cheap, we decided to do the majority of it ourselves. So when I say I'm mystified as to how these folks stay clean, I'm speaking from experience.

I don't know about you but when I paint it gets everywhere. You would never catch me wearing nice clothes and my good shoes that's for sure. I mean, there's a reason I wore the same pair of jeans and one of three different shirts when it was working on the house day. I'm messy. Get me near an open bucket of paint and a roller and I guarantee you within fifteen minutes I'll have dripped some on my head, smeared streaks liberally on my forearms and possibly have sat in it.

Maybe it's because I'm not using the proper paint roller technique but I also come away with paint spotted glasses every time. And if I get paint on my hands, which I invariably do, I don't reach for the handy paint rag, I wipe it on my pants. My paint pants looked like I'd been on the job painting houses for at least four years there was so much paint encrusted on them.

We also had to scrape a lot of particularly hideous wallpaper from walls in several of the rooms. This wasn't so bad in the the living room but most areas had wallpaper three layers deep. Yeah, lots of fun was had scraping wallpaper while I was seven months pregnant. And when you're scraping that much wallpaper gouges are gonna happen. What do you do to fix those gouges? Apply some drywall mud. I'll let you in on another secret. An open bucket of mud and me: same thing as the paint. Fortunately mud washes off easily.

This wasn't something I had to deal with while refurbishing my house but sewing is featured in quite a few of these shows. Uh-uh. No way. Tamara don't play that. You're looking at the only person in her junior high sewing class who didn't finish the stuffed animal project. As a matter of fact I think that sad, earless dog is still in a bag somewhere in my mom's attic. Never fear. His ears are with him in the bag they're just not attached.

And then there's the skirt we had to make second semester. I finished the hideous shirt we had to make *and* wear to school once it was completed. That little psyche scarring experience planted the seed in my head that maybe it would be a good idea *not* to finish the skirt. After all, if it's not done you don't have to wear it.

I was so talented I could make procrastination look a lot like work and I managed to pull off a B in the class. So trust me when I say if one of those designers decided to stick me in the room sewing pillows or slipcovers or window treatments, they'd be sorely disappointed when none of them were finished.

And while I don't showcase this fact here at Beyond Uber, I have a potty mouth. I especially have a potty mouth when doing things like home repair. They'd have to cut most of my bits out or else sprinkle the show liberally with bleeps as I cursed while dropping the paint roller or commented on how *bleep*ing ugly a particular color of paint was.

In fact I'd probably fit right in at the Osbourne's house on any given evening. Hmmmm...Trading Spaces with the Osbournes.... Where's that e-mail address?

posted by Tamara - 6:00 AM -- Link to this entry
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